Halfway

To take what there is, and use it, without waiting forever in vain for the preconceived — to dig deep into the actual and get something out of that — this doubtless is the right way to live - Henry James



After a particularly strange day here, I realized that it's been exactly 5 months since I stepped of the plane into Milan.
I really don't understand where all the time has gone... 4 1/2 months will go by so fast. I feel like it was just yesterday I was in Milan marveling at how storybook it all felt. I remember seeing all the buildings so close together, the awe inspiring Cathedral of Milan, the way it felt to realize English was the foreign language here, and that I was the foreigner. The first time I had pizza, then the first time I had Neapolitan pizza. How scared we all were on the train to meet our host families, and the first night with them.
All of that is over now, and I'm closer to going home than I am to having arrived.

My host dad complimented me on my Italian today, he said I'm getting better! And everyone else mentioned too that I was better than before, so that's nice.

This last month, unfortunately, has been pretty much wasted. I wish I could say other wise, but it's true. Home pressures combined with the stresses of changing host families, schools, cities, and really losing (or just never seeing) a lot of the people I had come to consider friends. School overwhelmed me. The people were and are incredible to me, particularly a couple students that go out of their way to make sure that I have friends, I love them so much. My host family is nothing short of amazing. But I was feeling the stress, at first I was fine, I was making it work, but then I made a mistake that really messed with my head. I just gave up trying. I didn't go to school more than 3 times a week, I barely ever spoke, most of my time was spent sleeping. Around the 10th or so of February I realized that I can't be like that anymore, and planned on changing. I wasn't really depressed or anything, I was just out of energy. After an email from Giuseppina, though, saying my host family was worried about me I really changed. I decided that I wasn't going to let myself ruin my exchange, opened my eyes, and now I think things are back to normal. I apologized to Maria, who was really understanding. The school has arranged it so that I now am included in classes, which is great. I've started talking more, and I'm happy. I'm just disappointed that I wasted probably 3 weeks. Oh well, at least I learned from it.

The funny thing about Italians is that when the weather is bad, they hibernate. I mean, the weather here compared to Idaho is extremely mild (it probably gets up to 40 d F even on the coldest days). The problem is that it rains a lot. Though, it did snow for 10 minutes a couple days ago, the first time in 23 years! (it quickly turned to rain). So, until spring Italians basically do nothing. At the beginning of exchange I was always going out with people and doing things, now I only do things saturdays so life is a bit boring.

Other than that, not a lot has happened. Today and yesterday Maria has had a fever so we've stayed home. But I went out today to Caserta to see Alessia & Martina for the first time in 2 months! Most of my time was spent talking to Alessia, she and me had something important that needed discussing. My host parents apparently made up, and everyone seems so much happier than they were when I left. I'm still glad I left, though. I mean, occasionally I would have a pang of something like homesickness when I saw the cat Mao or our bright red, too small elevator, or the bathroom and martina's bedroom. the little glass candies on the living room coffee table. I miss the people and Caserta a lot. But I needed to change.

More than anything, this halfway point has made me realize how much I've changed. I've had so many firsts here. So many experiences, so many mistakes and I've learned so many things. I feel older, and yes, wiser. I feel like I've found my personality, which I never got to find before because I'd always been depressed as long as I could remember. I like who I am, in fact, I love who I am. I just know myself a lot better. I know I'm capable, and responsible, and independent. I just feel like more of a complete person all around.

I suppose that's it for my half year post. It's really been great, even through all the hard times. I'm absolutely crushed that it's gone by so fast, and I only hope that time will go slower these next 4 1/2 months, though it's a bottomless wish.


Oh, and Happy Valentines Day <3