I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.~ Robert A Heinlein
wow, I really should be posting more often, huh?
While my last post was all about guilt and apologies this one is about realizing things as they really were. I still think it was a lot my fault what happened, but it was not entirely. Now that I'm in this family, I realize a lot of what happened in my other family that I hadn't noticed before. This happened the first time I switched too.
Basically, I was not happy, and neither was my family. We never did anything, I never talked to them and vice versa, and me and Maria were in no way friends. More like cordial aquaintances. I became tired of always being alone, of not being motivated to go to school, of never being happy unless I was out with Jenn (who moved about 2 minutes from my flat), and then using the time to complain about my life instead of being fun and exciting. I really missed Caserta. I was sick of only seeing the people in school in school. I liked them, but we had no oppertunity to ever see each other outside of school and create relationships because in school you really can't, and I never saw them any other time. Maria was and is cold. She's a baby. She does not understand people, she's very antisocial and fake, and she is arrogant. Above all, it stems from the fact that she is one of those people that thinks that being misunderstood and "mature" makes her look cool. So she exaggerates herself and her life, she really thinks she understands more than she does. She loves that. She loves acting like she is the most mature, and all-knowing person you'll ever meet. The downside is that she is so small, so unexperienced, and she truly has been so pampered and so sheltered, that she is the exact opposite of what she thinks herself to be. It became to much for me. That said, all the stuff in my other post was true and added to it.
I could write all this again, but I'll just post a conversation or two I had with some of my friends.
This is what ensued after I emailed Valentina telling her I would like to switch:
o i decided to change for a lot of different reasons all combined. too many really to explain, but i emailed Milan and right away they agreed that I should switch. so they told me to talk to my family and then email them back and then they could call my family or whatever and start looking for another family
[2:25:41 AM] Annamaria Watson: so
[2:25:59 AM] Kendra Wagner: sounds reasonable
[2:27:36 AM] Annamaria Watson: the next day i was thinking all day i would tell my host sister but then i decided that it might tick my host mom off because technically, it's her hosting me. her house, i'm her responsibility, etc so i told her instead, i didnt know if she'd told anyone because everyone was acting completely normal, and i was figuring that my host sister would bring it up and if she ddnt i would talk to her about it the next day at lunch because we always eat lunch alone before everyone else gets home
[2:28:13 AM] Kendra Wagner: again very reasonable
[2:30:11 AM] Annamaria Watson: then the next day at school my host sister, who always sits next to me, moved. and i really ddnt think too much of it but she also made a really catty remark to a teacher when the teacher asked if i'd done my homework or something (i dont get why they dont ask me, but she was really rude to this teacher) and so my ONLY actual friend here, Anna, came and sat by me 'cause i was alone and she asked if we were fighting and i said "i'm not fighting with her, idk if she's angry at me bt maybe she's annoyed that i'm leaving but i'm not even sure if she knows" and Anna was just like "you need to talk, both of you, and maybe you can sort somethings out, just please talk to each other"
[2:32:41 AM] Annamaria Watson: and by the end of the day it was pretty obvious that maria was angry, though i still ddnt know why, and also she was mad at anna so i asked anna why and she said it was because maria had called her yesterday crying because she was mad at me for telling my host mom and not her so anna had told her "if you guys talk more, maybe you can fix things and she wont have to leave" because she ddnt understand that there were others reasons, but still i think reasonable statement. well maria tells her "non hai capito un cazzo" and hangs up on her and hsnt spoken to her since so then anna reasserts that i need to talk to maria after school
[2:33:22 AM] Kendra Wagner: woooow
[2:33:34 AM] Kendra Wagner: i thats crazyness. like seriously the mom needed to konw first i agree with that
[2:33:47 AM] Kendra Wagner: and really it was only like 1 day between you telling the mom.. and this..
[2:35:21 AM] Kendra Wagner: AFS : alcool, filles, sex!!! what is filles???
[2:35:43 AM] Annamaria Watson: hahaha NON lo so
[2:35:48 AM] Kendra Wagner: me either
[2:35:48 AM] Annamaria Watson: YEAH thats one of the reasons its so annoying. but so at home I ask her at lunch if she's mad at me and she get's this really evil mean girls-esuqe smile and says "I'm not angry at you" and something like "you just have to experience somethingicouldntunderstandblah" and then she says "now, dont talk to me sono MOLTO prese" and i'm like,... um,no you're not you're eating lunch WITH ME :P bt anyways i dont get angry that easily so i was just like whatever and stayed in my room for the rest of the day then TODAY is when the real crap starts;
[2:35:49 AM] Kendra Wagner: i mean
[2:37:15 AM] Kendra Wagner: (filles = Girls)
[2:40:39 AM] Annamaria Watson: so we go to school, and she moves again in front of me and anna sits by me again and anna was asking me something like "what do you think" and i was like I dont want to make her more angry by talking but anna ddnt hear the last part so she was like " a lei? a lei?" and i saw maria turn and here it so im like GREAT not she thinks im talking bs. so maria moves farther away I'm sitting there talking to anna and studying japanese because i'm taking a class for my school in america and she comes up and says "what are you talking about" really rudly like you can assume she thinks its her, and yes anna had mentioned how we should talk and such but i refused to say anything about her other than i didnt understand why shes angry, like not to sound like im an angel (because haha, im not) but i dont like to get angry or gossip so i just kept saying "non lo so" and "hai ragione" and then she just leaves. then it happens again when i was talking to another girl named Luisania and anna and Luisana just looked at her like are you serious right now? so then;
[2:41:45 AM] Kendra Wagner: wooow.. thats nutz
[2:41:53 AM] Kendra Wagner: like seriously shes acting like shes 2
[2:44:26 AM] Annamaria Watson: maria goes to the other side of the room and starts BAWLING and allllllll the class goes over and like hugs her, & most of them were still nice to me because they understood she was being a drama queen but a ton of them were giving me bad looks and so i just stay where i am cause i want nothing to do with this and Anna goes over and says something like "whats wrong" or whatever and maria starts screaming at the top of her lungs like "YOU! I CANT BELIEVE YOU CHOSE HER SIDE AFTER 4 YEARS YOU GIVE UP OUR FRIENDSHIP FOR THAT BIOTCH" and anna is angry and comes back to me and is almost crying herself so of course i feel reaaallllyy guilty so then the effing math teacher comes in and has maria come talk to her outside and everyone starts asking me all these questions but all i would say is that yes i had tried to talk to her, she wouldnt tell me why she was angry, and that i didnt want to talk about it because she would think i was gossiping. so she comes back and after school instead of going home she randomly decides to go 15mins away to the hospital where her mom works so we go there
[2:45:56 AM] Annamaria Watson: and she and her mom go in a room and talk for like 15 mins (obviously about me) and i just sit there like an hour later we eat at this hospital bar thing and i asked maria if she wanted gum because i wanted to try and she ddnt even look at me, or aknowledge that i exsisted so we just went home and i went out with friends and havent seen her all day and tomorrow i will not go to school. so, yeah. it sucks.
[2:25:41 AM] Annamaria Watson: so
[2:25:59 AM] Kendra Wagner: sounds reasonable
[2:27:36 AM] Annamaria Watson: the next day i was thinking all day i would tell my host sister but then i decided that it might tick my host mom off because technically, it's her hosting me. her house, i'm her responsibility, etc so i told her instead, i didnt know if she'd told anyone because everyone was acting completely normal, and i was figuring that my host sister would bring it up and if she ddnt i would talk to her about it the next day at lunch because we always eat lunch alone before everyone else gets home
[2:28:13 AM] Kendra Wagner: again very reasonable
[2:30:11 AM] Annamaria Watson: then the next day at school my host sister, who always sits next to me, moved. and i really ddnt think too much of it but she also made a really catty remark to a teacher when the teacher asked if i'd done my homework or something (i dont get why they dont ask me, but she was really rude to this teacher) and so my ONLY actual friend here, Anna, came and sat by me 'cause i was alone and she asked if we were fighting and i said "i'm not fighting with her, idk if she's angry at me bt maybe she's annoyed that i'm leaving but i'm not even sure if she knows" and Anna was just like "you need to talk, both of you, and maybe you can sort somethings out, just please talk to each other"
[2:32:41 AM] Annamaria Watson: and by the end of the day it was pretty obvious that maria was angry, though i still ddnt know why, and also she was mad at anna so i asked anna why and she said it was because maria had called her yesterday crying because she was mad at me for telling my host mom and not her so anna had told her "if you guys talk more, maybe you can fix things and she wont have to leave" because she ddnt understand that there were others reasons, but still i think reasonable statement. well maria tells her "non hai capito un cazzo" and hangs up on her and hsnt spoken to her since so then anna reasserts that i need to talk to maria after school
[2:33:22 AM] Kendra Wagner: woooow
[2:33:34 AM] Kendra Wagner: i thats crazyness. like seriously the mom needed to konw first i agree with that
[2:33:47 AM] Kendra Wagner: and really it was only like 1 day between you telling the mom.. and this..
[2:35:21 AM] Kendra Wagner: AFS : alcool, filles, sex!!! what is filles???
[2:35:43 AM] Annamaria Watson: hahaha NON lo so
[2:35:48 AM] Kendra Wagner: me either
[2:35:48 AM] Annamaria Watson: YEAH thats one of the reasons its so annoying. but so at home I ask her at lunch if she's mad at me and she get's this really evil mean girls-esuqe smile and says "I'm not angry at you" and something like "you just have to experience somethingicouldntunderstandblah" and then she says "now, dont talk to me sono MOLTO prese" and i'm like,... um,no you're not you're eating lunch WITH ME :P bt anyways i dont get angry that easily so i was just like whatever and stayed in my room for the rest of the day then TODAY is when the real crap starts;
[2:35:49 AM] Kendra Wagner: i mean
[2:37:15 AM] Kendra Wagner: (filles = Girls)
[2:40:39 AM] Annamaria Watson: so we go to school, and she moves again in front of me and anna sits by me again and anna was asking me something like "what do you think" and i was like I dont want to make her more angry by talking but anna ddnt hear the last part so she was like " a lei? a lei?" and i saw maria turn and here it so im like GREAT not she thinks im talking bs. so maria moves farther away I'm sitting there talking to anna and studying japanese because i'm taking a class for my school in america and she comes up and says "what are you talking about" really rudly like you can assume she thinks its her, and yes anna had mentioned how we should talk and such but i refused to say anything about her other than i didnt understand why shes angry, like not to sound like im an angel (because haha, im not) but i dont like to get angry or gossip so i just kept saying "non lo so" and "hai ragione" and then she just leaves. then it happens again when i was talking to another girl named Luisania and anna and Luisana just looked at her like are you serious right now? so then;
[2:41:45 AM] Kendra Wagner: wooow.. thats nutz
[2:41:53 AM] Kendra Wagner: like seriously shes acting like shes 2
[2:44:26 AM] Annamaria Watson: maria goes to the other side of the room and starts BAWLING and allllllll the class goes over and like hugs her, & most of them were still nice to me because they understood she was being a drama queen but a ton of them were giving me bad looks and so i just stay where i am cause i want nothing to do with this and Anna goes over and says something like "whats wrong" or whatever and maria starts screaming at the top of her lungs like "YOU! I CANT BELIEVE YOU CHOSE HER SIDE AFTER 4 YEARS YOU GIVE UP OUR FRIENDSHIP FOR THAT BIOTCH" and anna is angry and comes back to me and is almost crying herself so of course i feel reaaallllyy guilty so then the effing math teacher comes in and has maria come talk to her outside and everyone starts asking me all these questions but all i would say is that yes i had tried to talk to her, she wouldnt tell me why she was angry, and that i didnt want to talk about it because she would think i was gossiping. so she comes back and after school instead of going home she randomly decides to go 15mins away to the hospital where her mom works so we go there
[2:45:56 AM] Annamaria Watson: and she and her mom go in a room and talk for like 15 mins (obviously about me) and i just sit there like an hour later we eat at this hospital bar thing and i asked maria if she wanted gum because i wanted to try and she ddnt even look at me, or aknowledge that i exsisted so we just went home and i went out with friends and havent seen her all day and tomorrow i will not go to school. so, yeah. it sucks.
After that Maria came in and talked to me for the first time, and we reached some sort of mutal understanding. That means, I was in terror of doing anything to offend her again, and she had me right where she wanted me. Guilty, and wanting out. She told me that she was angry because some girl that I don't even talk to in class said that I had said that me and Maria had had a huge fight and that that was why I was leaving. Ha. Um, no. Never said that. She was also mad because she thought I was being ungrateful. Well, If you had talked to me at all you would realize just host grateful I have been throughout this. Talk to Jen, Giuseppina, Valentina, or your own parents for goodness sakes. I was terrified of even the thought of anyone thinking that I was ungrateful for all this family had done for me. Don't assume things, please. Anyways, I had thought we were fine and she had talked to me until the day before I left. I went to Rome with my class and had the best day. I decided to be really social and fun because I wanted to leave a good impression and because thats what Maria had told me she wanted to be. Also, because really thats what I should be anyways, and who I usually am. and its ROME, who wouldnt be social and fun in Rome? So I was. I talked to so many people, was never alone, had the best day ever. I hadnt even noticed that Maria was completely ignoring me until I asked her on the bus ride home what book she had bought. She didnt answer. Tried again,her friend told her "annamaria is talking to you", no answer. My friend Anna from before became really angry, but I told her to settle down because it wasnt worth it, I was leaving tomorrow anyways. This guy I had been talking to told me "wow, I'm sad your leaving, truly, because your social and open and I wish we could have hung out more" Suddenly Maria interrupts "Shut up, thats not how she is at all, you dont know anything about her, your stupid and dont understand anything". WOW. I'm sorry but thats not okay. I usually am calm and I really really do try to understand people and I get that I messed up to, but I in no way deserved that. Regardless, I continued to have a good day, and said my goodbyes and the next day I left.
For Sardegna.
When Valentina had first told me that I was going to the island I was scared. I even told her I didn't want to go. Part of that was because Alessia was so angry at me for leaving, and I knew how much it would hurt her and how sad it would make me. This meant that I would not see her or Martina or Fran or Jenn until the end of the year, if I was lucky. No more Naples, Pompeii, or Almalfi. I didnt want to leave. But then I thought about it and realized that this is a whole new oppertunity, a whole new start and group of people. A chance to see more that Fran or Jenn will ever see, truly. Not a better experience than theirs, but a broader one for sure. So here I am, living on an island in the city of Terralba.
I like it here.
I have a host sister named Claudia who is going somewhere in the east of America next august for her own exchange. She is a doll and we get along well. We actually are friends and she calls me sister, which is something I had really missed from when I was with Martina. I have another host sister who is 25 and only lives with us on Sundays, her name is Eleanora. Then, my host parents. My host dad is hilarious and really nice. My host mom is really nice, and very high strung, but I still love her. This famly is so incredibly different from my others. This family has had like 12 exchange students before, and they have the system down. They told me to be in this family was to be one of their daughters. Thus from day one I have been lectured, bossed around, and all around treated exactly like one of their daughters. Sometimes I hate it. My host mom literally has SO many rules and it seems like no matter what I do I always do something wrong, and that is frusterating. I'm also never allowed to be alone (that's a rule) and that is really frusterating to. But the good outweighs the bad here, unlike my other homes. It's hilarious too because in Maddaloni my main prayer to God had been to please teach me some obediance because next year is going to be SO hard in high school when I feel like I'm already so past that stage in life. And then, what do i get but my own wish and I complain about it. But no, I like this family a lot. My host parents make it a goal to take me places every Sunday. They make me talk to them and ask me questions and I ask them questions. They joke with me, I'm never forgotten, and they make me feel like I'm actually living here not just visiting. I've been here a week as of yesterday night. The school is different because it's new and smells good, its only 2 months old! The people are really nice, but since they are so used to exchange students it's harder to make friends because I'm not new or exciting unlike before. Still, I think I will make friends here. There is another exchange student from Norway named Caroline, and we get alone well. We can go in giro and eat gelato and do all the things I missed about Caserta and now miss about Maddaloni. I have an actual house this time! Ha, and my own room again which is wonderful. I suppose I'll have to update when I have more to say, this has been a long enough post.
